


Always be my baby

by Heyzzefen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Break Up, Depressed Miya Atsumu, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28215474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heyzzefen/pseuds/Heyzzefen
Summary: Cheating? Atsumu has never thought of that. Until he saw it.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio/Tsukishima Kei, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 144





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic

Playing: Always be my baby

Cheating?

Atsumu has never thought of that. But now , all the clues that he missed. No, he intentionally missed it. He was blinded by love. And he regret it. He regret it all. From the very beginning until the end.

Or did he? Atsumu stared at his boyfriend. He watched Sakusa pull down his mask and kissed a woman. Hugging her tight. His Omi was kissing another. On the top of that. It was a woman.

He blinked , blinked and blinked. He don't know how many times he blinked. He was thinking it was just a dream. A nightmare. His Omi-Omi wouldn't cheat on him with a woman. He couldn't accept it.

~~~~

Sakusa went to their shared apartment with a smile. Atsumu only stared at him. He didn't shout. He didn't question Sakusa for cheating. Because his mind still hasn't accepted the information his eyes saw earlier. Atsumu just nodded with a smile. Pushing back all the pain he's feeling.

Sakusa didn't notice anything, he just looked at him for a second and took a shower. Atsumu's tears slowly fell. He know he can't just forget what he saw. The pain just won't go away. It lingers there somewhere in his heart. Slowly eating him whole. He wanted to ask Sakusa. Why did he cheat. Where did it went wrong. Atsumu wanted to ask him but he didn't. Atsumu was a coward.

Also it was his fault for loving Sakusa more than himself. Sakusa is straight but he dated him. That is also the reason why he is always insecure when Sakusa talk to a girl but Atsumu didn't yelled nor did he get jealous. He can't because he has no right to be jealous.

Atsumu stood there, his brain not functioning. He stood there processing all of it. He knew he had to break up with Sakusa but he was selfish. And he won't ever let go of Sakusa until Sakusa let go of him. He knows that he is dumb, but he didn't realize he was this dumb.

Atsumu went to their room and lay down. He knew all along there was something weird because Atsumu saw hickeys and bite marks on Sakusa and it wasn't his mark. Sakusa hates it when Atsumu does that and ignore him for days. Atsumu felt his heart aches. It aches so much that he don't know what to do. He let his tears wet his pillow. He cried his pain until he fell asleep.

Atsumu woke up in midnight. He heard talking and he didn't do anything but laid there. Pretending that he was asleep.

"Yes baby"

"Uhuh. I miss you so much"

"Yes. I'll go there tomorrow."

"Prepare yourself baby, I won't let you walk properly when we are done"

Atsumu felt his heart numb. It hurts. Let go of me so I can let go of you. It burns. His eyes are burning. His body. It was so hot. His neck was hot. He wanted to strangle himself until he suffocate. Until he can't feel anything. He wants to numb his heart. 

Why hurt me like this? Did I do something wrong? 

He knows he is not enough. He knows it deep in his soul and heart. His twin doesn't care about him and disliked him. His parents disowned him when he came out and dated a man. However, His parents was proud when Osamu dated Suna. They even threw a party, celebrating that Osamu had finally grew a backbone. 

\------

It has been nine months but Atsumu is still with Sakusa. He now started writing in scratches or whatever paper he sees. He does it whenever he felt a squeeze in his heart. He writes the pain, His love, his loneliness, his anxiety and his depression. He writes while crying and eventually fell asleep. This has been his routine for the past few months. And as the time passed by, he felt his heart harden. It had started to numb.

Atsumu had wished that the pain will go numb but now he wished the pain won't go away. Even when he accidentally, heard them having sex in their apartment. In their bed. At that time he has the reason to break the door and break up with Sakusa but he didn't and just went out. Yes, he felt the pain but it quickly disappeared. As if it wasn't there at the first place. 

Sakusa still touches him but just like the first time they touched. Sakusa's eyes was filled with disgust and discomfort but he still touches Atsumu until Atsumu stopped him and went out without a word. Pretending someone called on his phone. He went to the guess room and called someone. 

Sakusa still fucks him. It was rough and no love at all. Atsumu lets Sakusa do him. He just laid there and takes it all. And he noticed that Sakusa only fucks him when his girlfriend was being difficult or when Sakusa was mad at something. He used Atsumu like a toy and he lets him.

Atsumu still can't let go and he knew it wasn't healthy at all. Specially with his weak mentality. 

Atsumu was stretching when he felt a hand in his shoulder. He slaps it and just went on. Not bothering to look who tapped him. The gym suddenly fell into silence.

"Tsumu" He looks up and saw Sakusa looking at him. Sakusa was annoyed but he didn't care.

"What? I'm about to exercise" He wasn't mad. He was just tired pretending. Pretending that he was fine, that he was okay with all that's happening in his surrounding. Sakusa frowns but nodded and walked away. Atsumu felt the pain and he lets it eat him slowly.

\-----

Atsumu stared at the couple inside a cafe. They looked so happy. So sweet. The man kissed the hand of the woman and Atsumu won't lie. His world collapse. The man was Sakusa. Atsumu is avoiding to see them together because he doesn't want to see them together. But the world is unfair, he always see them. Sakusa wasn't even hiding. He was proud and everytime some man stared at the girl, he would hold her hand and glare at the man.

Atsumu went home and cleaned the apartment. He cleaned until afternoon just to see Sakusa drunk and high. Atsumu didn't greet him, not even acknowledging his presence. He continued cleaning the sink until he felt that he was being carried to their bedroom.

"Omi! Put me down!!" Atsumu was annoyed. He didn't liked the smell of Sakusa. He stinks and Atsumu could smell the disgusting sweet perfume in his clothes.

Sakusa didn't answer and just put him on the bed. Ripping his clothes.

"SAKUSA STOP"

He didn't stop. Atsumu started to fight back because of that Sakusa punched his stomach. Atsumu felt his strength fading, his consciousness started to fade. Still he didn't stop fighting. He did everything he could. Until his body couldn't move due to the pain Sakusa's doing. He wasn't gentle nor he prep him. He went in raw, dry and rough. His body was in pain. Atsumu can already see the sun when Sakusa was done. He can't move nor he can stand but Atsmu forced himself. He was crying while he took his clothes, grabbing his keys, wallet and extra clothes, Atsumu went out. 

Atsumu drove not giving a fuck. He only slowed down when he saw a hotel. It wasn't fancy but Atsumu isn't going to be picky. It was already morning and he was very tired. He parked his car, went out and went inside the hotel.

"A room please for one person."

The woman stared at him before answering with a smile but her eyes was full of pity.

"Good morning sir. For how many hours?" 

"73 hours please."

"Okay sir. Please wait a moment" Atsumu nodded and tapped his feet. His anxiety was getting out of hand. His hands shaking and he started to breathe heavily.

"Sir, Breathe slowly. In and out."

The woman spoke to him, her voice was full of care. She held his hands tightly. Atsumu froze and quickly relaxed his body. Trying to breathe normally and when it stopped he smiled and thanked her. It seems that the woman was already used to people getting panic attacks. She let his hands go and giving him his keys.

"Your room is 207. Please take care and have a nice day. Call ******* if ever you had problems and if you want food or anything and also there is medicine kit in your room"

Atsumu thanked her, bowing. He left and went to his room. The woman was in his mid-thirties. When he got to his room, he immediately went to the bathroom and took his coat. He saw bruises and bites. Some has dried blood and Atsumu cried. He cried hard, he was scared and tired of all that happened. He got forced and he was just so tired. Really really tired. He washed his face and went to bed. He didn't bother changing. He just took off his shoes and slept.

\------

It has been three days, Atsumu didn't went home and didn't contact Sakusa. As usual, Sakusa didn't contact him. It seems that he didn't notice that Atsumu isn't home. The bruises and the pain in his body is almost gone so he decided to check his social media. He search for Sakusa's name and saw a picture. It was just uploaded 13 minutes ago.

Ily

It was written there together with a heart emoji. It was a beautiful red rose. And Atsumu hates roses. He loathes it. He stopped thinking and he squeezed his chest. He can't feel the pain. The pain that's been killing him every night. It's not there! Atsumu is panicking. He can't be numb! He has to feel it so that he can know that he is still alive!

Atsumu thought of his memories with Sakusa and the pain wasn't there! It wasn't. It can't be. Atsumu ran to the bathroom and took the razor. Cutting his wrist. Atsumu stared at his bloody hands and cried. Thank god. He felt the pain. He smiled cut his wrist again and again. He was thankful for the pain. Atleast like this he can feel that he is alive.

He heard his phone rang and stared.

'My beloved Omi-omi'

His hands are shaking. Atsumu squeezed his wrist and it stopped. The pain stopped his shaking hands.

"Yes?"

"Come here, Faster. We need to talk"

And Sakusa hang up. He didn't let Atsumu answer and immediately hang up. Atsumu knows what will happen now. He is preparing for it and he will embrace the pain when it comes. Pain is the only thing that keeps him alive.

*****

Atsumu is outside the apartment, preparing himself. He opened the door and saw Sakusa sitting on the couch. He sat to the couch infront of Sakusa. Atsumu didn't talk nor he looked at Sakusa. He just sat and stared at the window.

"Let's stop"

He thought that he won't feel anything but the words was like thousands of needles piercing his already broken heart. Atsumu smiled.

"Okay." Atsumu will lie if he tell Sakusa that it was okay. That he is fine. Sakusa looked at Atsumu shocked. Atsumu giggled.

"Why do you looked shocked? I already said to you before we started dating. I won't question you if you break up with me. I don't lie" Atsumu almost choked by his words. He wanted to yell at Sakusa but he didn't. Sakusa was about to speak but he cut him.

"Okay. I'll just go take my things."

Atsumu went to their room and took his bag. He heard the door open and Sakusa was there staring at him.

"I'm sorry Atsu. Listen, I just fell out-"

"Sakusa as I said before I knew this would happen"

His voice was soft. It was like they were just talking normally. Like they didn't just broke up. It seems that Sakusa thought that he would scream and ask him why he wanted to break up. But Sakusa is wrong. Questions has already been answered. It was Atsumu that's not enough and will never be enough.

As Atsumu thought, it really is painful. He feels like he was stabbed, crushed and he feels like a trash. A useless piece of scrap.

Sakusa looked at him and went out of the room. He heard the front door open and then it closed. The silence filled the room and Atsumu felt at peace. He felt that he was alive. The pain was there in his heart, his wrist was throbbing and Atsumu loved every second of it.

"I love you" Atsumu's tears fell.

"I love you" His tears blur his eyes. Atsumu's sobs filled the room. 

"I love you so much that I can endure thousands of pain." Atsumu kneeled and whimpered. He can't pretend anymore. Those words that Sakusa spoke broke his already broken heart.

"Please. Take it back" Atsumu curled like a baby on the floor. He cried and cried. He put all his heart in his words. The pain.

"I'm begging you Omi. I can't anymore. Please take it back. Take me back. Don't leave me. You're all that I have" Atsumu was a mess. He wanted to scream but he don't want anyone to hear his voice. He just silently cried there.

"Omi. I love you so much. I'm begging you please please please" His face was wet. His wrist was in pain. His heart is in pain. He is broken.


	2. Always be my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I won't ask because I know what heppened. Even if you won't tell me. I know. So please open your heart just a little bit and let me help you.'   
> ♡  
> ♡  
> You're in too much pain that you don't notice that there is still people who cared about you'

Playing: Always be my baby

Atsumu stayed there for a few minutes before wiping his face and stood up. He can't help it. He just realized it all. His Omi is not his anymore. Not that Sakusa was his in the first place. He stared at his things and chuckled. He smiled. Maybe this is for the better.

I trusted you with all my heart, Omi. And you made me feel loved. You made me feel that I'm enough. But I should have known better. I'm just an arrogant setter who does nothing but useless things. I should have known I will never be enough. I should have. I should have but why did I still hoped that someone will love me. 

The room that was once filled with cries is now filled with laughter. It was not a happy laugh. It sounded so broken. Atsumu stared at the whole room feeling the pain in his heart, he really thought that he can't feel any pain now. Oh how wrong he is. He can feel it piercing his soul. 

"We really are not meant for each other" Atsumu smiled for the last time. He grabbed his luggage and left the gifts that Sakusa gave him. Maybe, he can forget if he left it all. And how wrong Atsumu is.

Taking a last look in the apartment, he left. Atsumu left his soul and heart there. Atsumu left himself. His body may leave but his soul stays there. His heart stays there with Sakusa. Because Atsumu knew he will never love anyone as he love Sakusa. He isn't even sure if he can love again and he won't gamble his heart again just for love. That's what he thought.

********

Two years has passed and Atsumu still can't move on. His heart lingers there still thinking he can fix it all again. Atsumu even has to go to a psychiatrist so that he won't lose his self completely. Even if it's just a tiny bit.

Volleyball is the only thing that keeps him moving. It keeps him busy. It keeps his mind from wondering if Omi- no If Sakusa is still with her. He is still pretending. What can he do? He is now a professional volleyball player. 

"Atsumu! We heard that our new teammate is a germaphobe!"

Atsumu stilled. Mouth open. He stood there, the ball slipped out of his hands. 

Germaphobe? Please not him. I'm begging you. Not him. Please not him.

"His name is Sakusa Kiyoomi."

Atsumu can't hear anything. He can't breathe. Atsumu started to panic. No anyone just not him. Tears started to fall and Atsumu ran away. He didn't look back when Bokuto called him. Why him? Isn't it enough that he suffers severe depression? Isn't it enough that he can't eat properly and can't sleep without pills? Isn't it enough? Why do the world keep torturing him? He doesn't have family to run to. He only has----

Oikawa! He needs to call Oikawa!

Atsumu ran towards the bathroom. Locking his self in the available cubicle. With his trembling hands Atsumu took his phone and dialed Oikawa's phone. It rang for a few seconds before it was picked up.

"Nghh Wh-Whats up babe?"

Atsumu wanted to slap himself. What a timing.

"N-no. It's No-nothing" Atsumu stopped himself from sobbing. And Oikawa still heard it. He heard a voice before Oikawa spoke again.

"Okay. Tsumu I want you to breathe. Inhale and Exhale. Slowly Tsumu. Slowly. It's okay I'm here. I'll keep you safe. You're fine. Okay? No one will hurt you. No one can hurt you"

Oikawa's voice was soft. Why does Oikawa know what's happening to him? 

Useless. He's just pretending to care. No one wants you.

No. He cares for me.

You really thought? Ha? Let's see if he knew that you're just a useless piece of trash pretending to be a diamond.

Atsumu cried harder. He sobs getting louder. He even forgot that he is in a public bathroom. 

"Atsumu. You're okay. It's fine. You're fine. I want you to breathe slowly. Babe."

Atsumu tried. He tried breathing properly. But he can't.

"Kawa. I can't. My chest hurts. Everything hurts" Atsumu whimpered. Everything just went back again when he heard his name. The pain is there. It was very very painful.

"Tsumu. I'm coming there okay. Tell me where you are. I'm coming but for the mean time I want you to breathe. Don't think about anything. Just breathe. Don't drop the call. I'm coming. Where are you?"

Atsumu heard a lot noises and then an engine starting. He can't help but cry harder. Why is he doing this? Atsumu is only a piece of trash. Why does he sound so worried? Why is he coming.

"Bathroom. Court"

Five minutes has passed and all he did is cry trying to breathe. His skin was itching. He has already slapped his self. Scratching his legs, wrist and arms he felt peaceful. He sat there. He just waited there. Eyes blank but tears continued to fall.

He heard a bang and but didn't move.

"Atsumu!!" He heard knocks still he didn't move. It was Oikawa. Why is he here? He saw a shoes and knew that Oikawa knows where he is.

"Babe. Open and we'll talk okay? Everything is okay." Atsumu slowly opened the door and he saw Oikawa. He looks so worried. Why is he worried?

Oikawa is trembling. He is still scared. He is scared because it already happened in the past. He doesn't want to see Atsumu not breathing again.

"You're fine, Tsumu" Oikawa hugged Atsumu, patting his back. Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi and nodded. 

"Let's go?" Atsumu smiled and nodded whispering thank you. Oikawa helped Atsumu stand up.

****

The whole ride was quiet. Something that never happened when the two setters are together and even Iwaizumi kept staring at the two in the backseat. Atsumu may be quiet from time to time but that doesn't mean Oikawa will keep his mouth shut. And this is not the first time this happened. He could only sigh and takes a look before focusing on driving.

"Tsumu I won't ask what happened but let me comfort you okay?" 

'I won't ask because I know what heppened. Even if you won't tell me. I know. So please open your heart just a little bit and let me help you.' Oikawa thought. Atsumu is just so broken and Oikawa doesn't know if there's a way that can fix a him. When Atsumu himself is having a hard time fixing his self.

He stared at Oikawa. 

"Can I be fix?" He sounded so broken amd it made the other two feel heart broken. 

"I can, right? Someone will accept me, right?" He whispered and it only squeezed their heart.

"Of course! We accept you, okay? Together with Iwa-chan! We'll always be here with you"

'With me? They accepted me?' His tears fell again, sobbing he hugged Oikawa tightly.

"Really?" His voice was small but Oikawa still heard him and hugged him back.

"You know that I love you okay. Remember that always. We love you"

Atsumu smiled to Oikawa and Iwaizumu who loooked at him with a small smile in his lips. Atsumu nodded before closing his eyes. Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi sadly and put Atsumu's head in his lap.

'You're in too much pain that you don't notice that there is still people who cared about you' 

"Rest tsumu." Oikawa kissed his forehead.

"Babe. Atsumu's fine so please don't cry. I can't wipe your tears right now" Iwaizumi said and it made Oikawa feel a bit better. Although Oikawa was embarassed by the words he was thankful that Iwaizumi was there qith him. Even when their alone time was interrupted.

'I wonder if Iwa-chan is still hard'


	3. Always be my baby

Playing: Always be my baby

  
'Hey babe' Sakusa looked at him with a very wide smile. Hiding his hands on his back. Sakusa was trying to surprise Atsumu , It was their second anniversary and he wants Atsumu to experience having an anniversary normally.

  
'Hey Omi' Atsumu smiled at him. And Sakusa thought that it was the sweetest smile he have ever seen. He stood there, he just stared at Atsumu who was pouting because he didn't get his kisses and hugs.

'Where's my hugs and kisses?' Atsumu whined and Sakusa swear it was the cutest. Laughing he grabbed Atsumu and kissed him deeply.

  
'I love you Atsu' Atsumu smiled at him and giggled.

  
'I love you too Omi'

  
\-------

  
Atsumu stared at the court. He got benched. His sets wasn't as good as before. Why? The great Sakusa was there. Talking to their Captain. It seems that no one knows their past. Well, Atsumu doesn't want it to be known. People may thought that he likes to brag his relationships but no. He respects his partner and want his partner to be comfortable with the relationship.

  
That is also the reason why they thought that Atsumu has been single his whole life. He likes to be private.

  
Atsumu wants to public their relationship in the past but when he mentioned it Sakusa just stared at him. He nodded but his eyes was uncomfortable so he didn't.

  
'You said that you'll always love me. Then why did you let me go?'

  
Atsumu didn't notice that Thomas and inunaki sat beside him. They stared at his face like he was a criminal they caught.

  
"Starin' at me like that makes me feel stalked" Atsumu faked a goosebumps. He starts trembling but he was grinning.

  
"Shut up. Tsumu" The two was glaring at him and he just laughed. He don't want to answer any of their questions. He knew what they wanted to ask. He is obviously uncomfortable but he managed it and just continued to laugh at them. 

  
\--

  
Atsumu stared at the therapist. His eyes are blank, not even bothering to answer any questions she asked.

  
'When did you feel like this?'

  
When? Atsumu thought. That's an interesting question.

  
'Since the day I'm old enough to understand that I was useless. Don't know the date though.'

  
The woman stared at his eyes.

'Why can you say that you are useless?'

'Don't know. They made me feel like I wasn't enough'

  
'Who is this they?'

  
The woman could feel the hair in her body stand up. This man is changing in every session they made and in those session she could feel that Atsumu is starting to not feel any emotions. Like he was rejecting it. No, Atsumu chases for it but his mind and his heart forces him to forget it. His emotions die in every session they did.

  
'Hm? My parents made me feel like this and also my twin. I really don't call them family but they raised me for a bit. Also they disowned me so I don't really care'

  
Her hands stopped writing.

  
'What?' What did I just heard?

  
'My parents and my brother made me feel like this. Also I hear voices in my head telling me those. So it's an add on'

  
The man in front of her said it so casually. The woman could feel her heart break for him but she didn't said anything because his man in front of him doesn't need pity but love. Love for his self..... He needs to learn that first.

  
She looked at the camera and shake her head.

\--

"Sakusa was staring at you earlier, Tsumu. You know him?"

  
Atsumu acted like he didn't hear the question. He just continued to change his clothes.

  
"Oh my god Atsumu. Why are you ignoring me?" Meian, their captain faked a sob. Atsumu laughed, shaking his head.

  
"What? Who wouldn't know him? He was really famous in high school, having a flexible wrist and nasty spikes" Atsumu answered in a monotone voice. Bokuto was staring right into his eyes.

  
'Does he know? No it's impossible'

  
Meian stared at his eyes. Analyzing if he was lying. Grinning he asked.

  
"You think he's interested on me?"

  
"Shut up. You had a girlfriend" Atsumu laughed and didn't respond anymore.

  
"Yeah and she's waiting for me. So bye" Atsumu's feels like he was running. He had to get out. Faster! He could feel eyes as he walk fast.

  
\---

  
Atsumu put his bag on the chair. He had fresh fruits in his other hand.

  
"Hey. How is my baby doing?" He was messing her long hair.

  
"Oh my god Atsumu stop" The woman laughed at him. She was thin and pale.

  
"So what are you doing?" He sat on the other side of her hospital bed. 

  
"I'm just thinking what if the world knows that we're just bestfriends"

  
Atsumu squeezed her cheeks and laughed loudly.

  
"What? You wanted a boyfriend, right? You wanted to experience it for the- nevermind. And also do you want to break the hearts of your fans? They really ship us, ya'know?"

  
She rolled her eyes and smile. 

  
"I could still remember when I met you here in this hospital" 

  
"Hey, don't. I look like a dead back then" 

  
"You were" 

  
Yes. I was.

  
"Oh please stop. I'm not" He laughed but stopped as he felt her seriousness. 

  
"Baby. I'm fine now. I have you as my bestfriend and me as your guard and best friend."

  
They both laughed and he held her hands tightly.

  
"Yuki. Stop this okay. I will stay and so are you. Okay?" She nodded. Her eyes was burning.

  
'My life is already near the end. I don't want you to see me in a cold metal bed. I hope that you won't linger here for too long.'


	4. Always be my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Whatever i do here. I'll always be alone. Why not other place? Where I can no longer feel anything. The pain will vanish together with my life.'

_Playing: Always be my baby_

_-_

_Sakusa hugged him tight as if he was scared that Atsumu will vanish._

_"Tsumu. No matter what happens you'll always be my baby."_

_Atsumu stilled and smiled._

_'I know in the end you'll leave me. But why do I still hope you'll stay beside me?' Atsumu thought._

_"What are you saying?" Atsumu laughed and kissed Sakusa. **Well, I can bear the pain just to be with you for a little bit longer.**_

\---

"Atsumu-san!"

Atsumu saw kageyama waving at him together with his husband. The former middle blocker of Karasuno. They really end up marrying at the young age.

"What is Mr. Tsukishima doing here?" Atsumu teased Tobio and the wild blueberry blushed so hard. It made Atsumu and Kei smile. 

"What? Am I not allowed to visit my cousin?" Tobio was pouting and glared at him. It made the people inside the room laugh hard. Who would have thought that the King of the court could be the cute.

"Atsumu don't tease him so much he'll burst" Yuki smirked. They really love teasing Tobio because of his cute reaction. Kei patted Tobio's head and made him sit.

"You lool like a dog" 

"Shut up" Tobio rolled his eyes and puffed his cheeks earning him a kiss from Kei. Tobio blushed and smiled, his annoyance was gone as if it was not there in the first place. **Wow. Young love.**

~~We were like that too. And I wish you were still here. I love you.~~

\---

Kei and Atsumu was outside. They left the two to catch up. It was quiet in the hallway. 

"So how are you now?" _~~And I jinxed it.~~_

It was rare for Kei to speak but he was straight forward. Atsumu likes it but sometimes he was annoyed. Kei is able to notice his problems every time they met. Atsumu sighed.

"Same old sh*t."

"The theraphy?"

"She said that I got a little bit better. Dunno though how is she able to tell that when I still feel the same. I still feel like shit"

Kei stared at Atsumu's face. His eyes closed and his breathing was okay but the bags under his eyes is the proof that Atsumu was not in a good condition.

_**'She's still here that's why you're still fighting but what if she's gone? What would you do?'** Kei thought_

"You'll give up, right?"Atsumu understood it without even asking what Kei was trying to say.

Atsumu looked at Kei. For a minute they just stared at each other. 

"Yeah" He whispered and smiled. Why would he stay? He stayed because he made a promise to Yuki. He stayed because he can't let go. Even when he is very tired he can't let go. No matter how much he beg even if he kneeled. He can't let go. Not because he doesn't want to but because he just can't.

_'Whatever i do here. I'll always be alone. Why not other place? Where I can no longer feel anything. The pain will vanish together with my life.'_

"You know that she'll never forgive you if you do what you're thinking"

This is how Kei comforts him everytime. Making him remember that there's still people who cares for him. _~~**But why can't he feel anything.**~~_

"That's why I visit her. So that I can remember" It saddens Kei that the once arrogant and cheeky Atsumu he knew was long gone. Is that Atsumu even exist? Was he faking it to make the people around him feel secure? Kei doesn't know but he had to be on guard with Atsumu. Atsumu was a very unpredictable person , Kei can't read. It is also true that they are not very close but Tobio is close to him and Kei doesn't want to see Tobio sad.

"Then please call us everytime you want to remember. Tobio is always asking me about you" Atsumu could hear the worry and he appreciate it.

**_'Why are you believing him? You're just a useless trash. Ha! Can't belive you're still hoping'_ **

_'Shut up.'_

"Babe. Atsumu-san." Tobio's head popped on the side of the door. It seems that he was hesitating to call them as they were talking.

Both of them stood up and went inside. Tobio smiled and went to Kei's side and Atsumu sat at the side of Yuki's bed. They talked and talked not noticing the time until Yuki said that it was night already...

"Go home Tsumu. You need to rest" Atsumu can't even speak because Yuki was glaring at him. 

"I- Okay. I'll be back tomorrow after the practice." Yuki smiled and shood him. He laughed and waved goodbye to them. Tobio and Kei stayed there waiting for her mom and they will go home.

Atsumu was in the elevator waiting for it to open. As it opened he saw Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

"Hey Tsumu babe!" They hugged ang kissed each others cheek, Iwaizumi just stared at them.

"Tobio's there with Yuki. Go" Oikawa pouted but still left waving him goodbye, Iwaizumi only nodded at him as Atsumu also waved goodbye. 

_'What the? Why am I sorrounded by lovers?'_

Atsumu laughed at his thoughts. If it was in the past he wouldn't believe if someone will tell him that he will be friends with Oikawa and Tobio. Who would believe it when they were rivals in highschool.


	5. Always be my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Atsumu-san that's mean! Why are you cheering for Bokuto-san? I thought I am your favorite?"
> 
> "No. You were but now it's Sakkun!" Atsumu stood up and pointed Sakusa. Hinata looked at him with betrayed expression. Atsumu was laughing hard when Bokuto was also looking at him with the same expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year y'all. May the god bless all of us.

_Playing: Always be my baby_

\--

_The woman stared at Atsumu. She sighed and her eyes was full of pity and care. Atsumu didn't care no it's not that he didn't care. It's just he was tired of all that pity and he learned to ignore those kind of eyes._

_'Do you still feel like you're not worthy?'_

_'I always feel like that. It will not change no matter what I do.'_

**_'What will I do to help you? I don't know if you're helping yourself but please fight. I don't want to see another person die.'_ **

_Atsumu stared at the woman with his blank eyes. His body felt cold with her questions. He is still not comfortable with her questions but he feel safe with her like when Atsumu was still with Sakusa._

_'Do you still cut yourself?'_

_'Yes.'_

_The woman froze. Yes, she knew that he still cut his self but she wasn't prepared. No matter how many years and how many times she asked this kind of question she still find it sad and uncomfortable. With her shaking hands, she clenched her pen under her table. She chose this job to help people with depression because she also went into this. She was lucky that she overcame it and found her will to live. Found the reason why she fought to live._

_'Why do you do it?'_

_She knew the answer but this kind of questions is essential so that she can understand him more._

_'To die?' Atsumu looked straight to her eyes and smiled. She saw the happiness to it. The joy to finally go. To finally rest, To forget the pain of being alone._

_'Why do you want to die? Don't you have any dreams?' The questions hurts she know. This type of questions are uncomfortable when she was asked this same question. There is no reason to die, it's just what they really want. They're not alone but they felt like they are. She knew this and it pains her._

_'To escape? I don't mind if I go to this so called hell if I can escape this world because this is more like hell to me.' He laughed. The woman gulped and stared at him, she looked at the camera for a bit and focused her attention to Atsumu who was still laughing while looking at the deep cuts on his wrist._

\--

The night was deep but Atsumu is still awake. His room is empty, no pictures or any kind of furnitures except for the tiny table beside his bed and his cabinet. It looks so empty like there's no one living there. It's clean as cleaning became his habit. Organizing things also became his habit as it takes away his anxiety of being alone.

**_You're still useless why fight?_ **

"Shut up"

**_You can't even shut up why would I?_ **

_**SEE? You can't even answer.** _

_**This is one of the reason why you're useless.** _

_**You're so arrogant but you're just a piece of crap. No one wants a useless and broken person like you. Just give up.** _

_**You think you're important but no one will even notice if you die!** _

_**Going to a psychiatrist is useless. You can't remove me.** _

"SHUT UP YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING"

~~_**How funny. I know everything. Atsumu. Everything about you because you and I, both of us are one. Still trying to live? Give up and forget all this pain. You won't feel alone anymore.** _ ~~

Atsumu punched the wall many times until his knuckles bleed. He went to the bathroom and took his razor, he took off the bandage and cut his wrist. He did it again and again until he felt satisfied with the deep cut. He was satisfied to see his blood dripping in his floor and sink. 

Smiling he sat on the floor. He felt so satisfied as he touch his bleeding wrist. Atsumu closed his eyes, laughing at his pathetic self. He really wants to give up but how? He doesn't know. He can't.

He has no will anymore but why is he still fighting? Can't someone end his suffering? 

\--

Atsumu felt uncomfortable to change. He could feel that he was being stared by Bokuto.

"Yo Bokkun why are you staring at me like that?" Atsumu grinned and teased Bokuto.

"Don't tell me you want my body?" 

He heard gasps and laughter. Atsumu hugged his body as if Bokuto will touch him. Bokuto gagged and glared at him but Atsumu knew Bokuto was observing his actions. For the last few months Bokuto has been staring at him, observing his actions. This emo owl is always at his tail when he has time. 

Atsumu sat on the bench and laughed at Bokuto who was pouting. Sakusa looked at Atsumu for a second and went to the court. Hinata followed then Meian, Thomas and Inunaki. Bokuto stayed and dropped his pout.

"Take that off and let me fucking see how deep that fucking cut you made this time" Bokuto's voice was serious and Atsumu could only sigh and took off his bandage.

This side of Bokuto is scary. It's always been like this since Akaashi told him to look after Atsumu and this owl really followed Akaashi's order.

"Bokkun. It's fine now I just needed that to sleep." 

"Sleep? I bet you fainted on the bathroom again when you were done cutting this fcking wrist of yours." Atsumu looked away. He can't answer because that really happened. He fainted, that's it he won't lie. Bokuto forced him to look at his eyes and he only nodded.

"Change and we'll dine together with Akaashi, Oikawa and Tobio." Bokuto told him and put his bondage again. Atsumu weakly nodded. He felt weak and he just did what Bokuto said. Atsumu felt like he was naked when Bokuto checked his wrist. He hugged Atsumu tight, patting his back after a few second Bokuto stopped and stood up.

~~_What a way to be caught._~~

Bokuto left Atsumu and before he left Bokuto waved his hands. Atsumu laughed before he took off his clothes. He stared at his stomach. _Scars. Deep and wide scars._

He got dressed and looked at his body before he went out. _There's no scars to be seen, Atsumu you'll be fine._

_**Just die! Who said you'll be fine?! You're useless it'll be better if you're dead!** _

' _SHUT UP!'_

"Tsumu let's warm up together!" Bokuto was waving his two hands at him. Atsumu laughed, the duality of this man is incredible. He jogged towards Bokuto and high fived.

It has been 10 minutes and they're still stretching.

"Bokkun. Let's stop" 

"Mmkay"

\--

Atsumu still hasn't moved on. He finally admits to himself. He's still affected. Specially when they had to sit beside each other. Sakusa never spoke and neither did he. It was awkward sitting beside him but Atsumu didn't complain at least like this he could feel Sakusa's warmth. Like just in the past. 

_**What a desperate jerk.** _

He ignored the voices on his mind and pretended to watch Bokuto who was yelling his iconic Hey hey hey. Atsumu laughed at Bokuto's antics. Atsumu felt Sakusa moved closer to him and he didn't do anything.

"Bokkun! Yes!" Atsumu laughed at Hinata who tried to block Bokuto's spike and failed.

"Atsumu-san that's mean! Why are you cheering for Bokuto-san? I thought I am your favorite?"

"No. You were but now it's Sakkun!" Atsumu stood up and pointed Sakusa. Hinata looked at him with betrayed expression. Atsumu was laughing hard when Bokuto was also looking at him with the same expression.

"What? His nasty spikes are good!" He didn't stopped and continued his teasing. He only stopped when Meian told him to stop because Hinata and Bokuto was about to cry in betreyal. 

The whole court was full of laughter and even the coach was grinning. 

"Miya stop Hinata and Bokuto is really gonna cry" Sakusa spoke. He froze but recovered quickly. He only stuck his tongue out not taking his words back.

"Noooo! Atsumu-san take it back! I am your favorite!" Hinata jumped at him and he was lucky he had fast reflexes. He ran and noticed that even Bokuto was chasing him.

"No! Captain help!" Atsumu ran like there's no tomorrow.

"That's your fault. Deal with it" Atsumu glared at him and started running towards him.

"Don't you dare" Atsumu grinned but didn't listen. Meian ran as Atsumu chased him while the other two was chasing Atsumu. The practice was stopped because of them.

"This is your fault Atsumu" Meian was laying on the floor while complaining. Atsumu just laughed at him. Atsumu is tired but he's still running.

"Shouyo-kun Bokkun stop.!" Atsumu collapsed on the floor and the two cheerful spikers jumped on him.

"Why just why" Atsumu whinned.

"Tell me who's your favorite spiker?!" Bokuto and Hinata both asked him. No it's more like yelling at him while shaking his shoulders.

"Still the same"Atsumu grinned. 

"Stop! Stop!" He was getting dizzy due to the strong shaking.

"Just give up and tell them!" Thomas and Inunaki told him but was laughing at his sorry ass.

"Noooooo, don't wanna"

\--

"This is your fault for not helping me cap" Atsumu blamed Meian as they collect the balls. 

"That's your fault for saying that your favorite is Sakusa" 

"Hmp! I'll ignore you!" Atsumu pointed at him but the Captain just laughed at him.

"Tsumtsum faster. Akaashi is outside!" Atsumu shouted okay.

\--

"Dinners ready!" Akaashi yelled from the kitchen. They got up and went to the table, the dishes smelled so good.

"My Akaashi is really good at cooking!"

"Bokuto-san stop!" Atsumu rolled his eyes because Akaashi's words betrayed his face. He was like a tomato as he scoop rice and placed it in front of Atsumu.

"Oh my god please stop flirting in front of my salad!" Oikawa laughed at him and even Iwaizumi, Kei and Tobio grinned. 

"You have no salad" Bokuto told him and was trying to search for the salad. Atsumu and Oikawa was dumbfounded as he looked at Bokuto.

"How the hell did you cope up with this owl?" Both Atsumu and Oikawa asked Akaashi and the man only smiled not bothering to answer them.


	6. Always be my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He thought I left him alone after I did that. But I didn't. I hid amd I heard all his screams, sobs and he even beg for me to take him back. He doesn't need to beg. He doesn't have to. I'm the one at fault."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't the chapter I was supposed to post. I forgot to copy it and then when I was supposed to post it the chapter was gone. Anyway, Happy new year.

_Playing: Always be my baby_

_\--_

_The man kneeled. He couldn't believe what he just did to his love of his life. He was so cruel. His tears fell fast, his breathing was heavy. He kneeled there for for god knows how long. He didn't move even a bit until he felt a tap in his shoulder._

_"How do you feel?"_

_The woman sat beside him, she was trying to comfort him. He looked at the woman and tried to smile. The woman looked at him with pity and worry._

_"You don't have to force yourself to smile"_

_"Nii-san you know how I feel. You know how much of a trash I feel. I let him go but why do I feel so much pain here?"_

_The man clutched his chest._

_"Why does it hurt so much?"_

_The woman did regret that she asked but it's also her way to make her little brother let the pain out. So that it wouldn't eat him, swallow him whole._

_"Because it's love"_

_The woman looked at him with pained eyes. He almost forgot every single one of their family experience this kind of pain. None was excempted. Be it love for friends, family or a lover._

_"Love. I love him so much that it became too much"_

_The man looked so beautiful. Excruciatingly beautiful. His face was wet with his tears, his long lashes was also wet. His black eyes looked so dark with little bit of a light just like a starry night. It might looked beautiful but his eyes was filled with so much pain and was once filled the woman's eyes. She knew very well the pain because it became her partner in the past. However she is now free from that and was now living her life. But she can't and won't forget the pain she suffered because of love. And she didn't even a single bit of the pain because it made her stronger than ever._

_"Then, what is love to you?"_

_He stopped and was filled with thoughts, so many answers filled his mind but chose to speak a simple answer as he can't describe what really love is. It was just a feeling. ~~Just a~~_ ~~feeling.~~

_"Love makes us strong and weak. Love is filled with pain. Love hurts but at the same time it does not. Love is when you feel extreme pain when you know you caused the you love so much pain. When you protect him with the cost of your life. When I can even leave him to protect his life. Even when I know I have to make him hate me. Even when I can't even stand when I heard him cry but I still did it. Knowing that I can't do anything but let him go."_

_His sobs was getting louder and it filled the room._

_"I made him cry"_

_The woman closed her eyes as tears fell. She can't do anything but hug her brother and help him let it all out. She clenched her fist as she heard him repeating the words ' **I made him cry'**_

_"Do you ever regret leaving him?"_

_"Yes. Every single second I want to run back to him to beg for forgiveness. I want to kneel and beg but I can't. I want to hug him. I want to wipe his tears. But look at me."_

_"I stood there. I stood there as he cried, as he scream the pain he was feeling. I felt so horrible. I want to break the door. I want to take back my words but I knew it will all make it worse."_

_"I want him to shout at me. To scream and punch me. But he didn't. He only smiled at me even though I knew he wants to ask. He didn't ask me. I want him to hurt me, hate all he wants but he didn't even scream at me."_

_"He thought I left him alone after I did that. But I didn't. I hid amd I heard all his screams, sobs and he even beg for me to take him back. He doesn't need to beg. He doesn't have to. I'm the one at fault."_

_\--_

Atsumu stayed the night when the two couples left. Akaashi made him stay at his house because he doesn't want Atsumu to go home at this hour. He looked at the window as he felt his anxiety. His anxiety to cut himself. His feet shaking, he got up and went to open the window. 

The wind breeze was cold, it was refreshing. He watched as the stars shone so bright. He smiled as he sang softly.

**_Playing: The one that got away_ **

**_(Slow version)_ **

**_Summer after high school when we first met_ **

**_We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead_ **

**_And on my 18th birthday we got matching tattoos_ **

**_Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof_ **

**_Talk about our future like we had a clue_ **

**_Never planned that one day I'd be losing you_ **

_Atsumu smiled as the memoried filled his mind._

_**In another life** _

_**I would be your girl** _

_**We'd keep all our promises** _

_**Be us against the world** _

_**In another life** _

_Sakusa was smiling at him as he kissed Atsumu. It was full of love. They were under a tree, watching the sky. It was a beautiful night._

_"I love you baby."_

**_I would make you stay  
_ **

**_So I don't have to say you were  
_ **

**_The one that got away  
_ **

**_The one that got away_ **

**_\--_ **

Atsumu is standing outside the hospital door. Yuki was changing her clothes so he went outside.

"Come in, Atsumu" 

Yuki's mother called him. He saw Yuki dressed casually. She was gonna do a live with him singing in the background. He really doesn't want to but she wants to so he will.

"Are you comfortable?" 

"Yes. My clothes are cotton and not prickly to my skin. I want to do a live not wearing a those clothes" Atsumu laughed when Yuki pointed her hospital clothes with a frown. She doesn't want to make her fans worry more about her health than they already are.

Atsumu shooked his head and let her do her thing. He just sat there, watched her as she ask her assistant set up the camera. He smiled as he knew that she's satisfied with the set up. 

"Come here, Tsumu"

Atsumu sat beside her as she push the live button. It only took a few seconds and there are lots of fans watching. Atsumu laughed, even though she is now gone in the industry there are still many people who supports her, waiting for her. 

"Hi! How are you? As you can see this man is here! Atsumu is here!"

Yuki poked his face as she continue talking about her life in hospital. The comments made her smile. It's not bad doing this every now and then. Atleast like this she can pretend that everything is okay. Like she will not die anytime soon.

Atsumu only watched her as she talk so cheerfully. He didn't even notice that she was also staring at her, grinning. 

"And now just like I promised, Tsumu will sing. If I remember correctly he made this and dedicated this for someone. This is also the reason why we met. He had a beautiful voice and I got curious and I found him."

Atsumu rolled his eyes as he took his guitar. He was embarrased about that story he looked like dead back then. Yuki gave him a thumbs up and he only smiled.

He strummed the guitar and sang.

_**You were not there** _

_**When I was In pain** _

_**You were not here** _

_**When I was alone** _

_Sakusa smiled at him and that's all it took for Atsumu's_ _self-control to vanish. He jumped at Sakusa and hugged him, They hugged each other for god knows how long._

~~_"I love you baby"_~~

**_So don't you dare ask me_ **

**_Why I left here_ **

**_"_ ** _~~Don't change~~ "_

**_Here? I'm alone_ **

**_Always be alone_ **

**_I can't stand_ **

**_I can't even crawl_ **

_They're on a date and Sakusa took him to a very beautiful garden. Full of balloons and their pictures together. Sakusa even made a video using their pictures._

Atsumu smiled as he watched Yuki looking at him. With a very sad smile.

**_Don't expect me to go up_ **

**_Again, please_ **

**_I'm tired_ **

**_I'm tired_ **

**_You were not there_ **

**_When I was in pain_ **

**_You were not here_ **

**_When I was alone_ **

**_You were not there_ **

**_When I was in pain_ **

**_You were not here_ **

**_When I was alone_ **

_"Let's end this"_

_Atsumu smiled at him knowing that this will happen. And now it really happened._

**_Let me go_ **

**_Please let me go_ **

**_I'm tired_ **

**_I'm tired_ **

**_I'm begging you_ **

**_Please let me go_ **

**_Beggin' you_ **

**_Beggin' you_ **

**_Let me go_ **

_"I'm begging you Omi"_

_He cried and cried his pained heart._

_"Take me back please"_

"That was good. I will take you to my concert soon." Yuki laughed and the comment she made spread like a wildfire. Many sponsors contacted him bacause of it. It only took a few second for them to contact her. Atsumu frowned at this.

She is sick. Why would she do a concert.


End file.
